Serena L. Barnard

Serena L. Barnard, 74, wife of Dale E. Barnard of Perrysburg, passed away peacefully on Tuesday, December 8, 2020 at her daughter’s home in Maumee, Ohio. She was happy and surrounded by love, family, and an overly persistent dog. This is the part of the obituary where we are supposed to give you a brief biography about Serena, but we refuse to do that. A biography is just dates, places, and events. Our mother was so much greater than that. She was larger than life, so her obituary will be, too. We need to share the most important moments and gifts she gave us in this life. From her son, Aaron: My Mother was a titan and a tough, tough broad. She was born into an abusive home and was placed for adoption at an early age. My Mother survived the separation from her siblings, breast cancer, a heart attack, Covid 19, the death of one husband and a divorce from another husband who was both physically and mentally abusive. My twin brother and sister, Sunny and Adam, were quite ill when they were born and she bore their illness stoically and largely alone. She was a recovering alcoholic and ex-smoker for 20+ years. For a time she was a single mother raising 4 children on her own by pressing shirts. Life was sometimes very hard for my Mother but she was never beaten, she never gave up on anything and she was never ashamed of who she was or the life she had lived. She was always brutally honest, not just with us but also with herself and she readily admitted to her own shortcomings in life. My Mother had lifelong abandonment issues. She was utterly terrified of flying but still flew on planes. Mom would sometimes, politely but firmly, correct your grammar in the middle of a story. And Mom never lost an argument, even when she lost an argument. Saints and sinners may both lay claim to my Mother but the good will always, always win out. As the coaches say: she left it all on the playing field. She may be the bravest person I have ever known. Mom was real. My Mother was also the gentlest soul with a huge, huge heart. She was the matriarch of an extended family, a role model for her daughters and her sons and a loving mother to all of her children's spouses and all of her grandchildren. Mom was very easy to talk to and a surrogate mother to all of our childhood friends. She was a beautiful woman, both inside and out and always took great care in her appearance. My Mama gave wonderful Christmases and birthdays even when we were very poor. And while my Mother valued honesty above all other virtues she also said that at Christmas time lying in regards to surprise presents was to be expected and forgiven. She was an amazing cook. Mom was oh-so-bright. She was one of the most well-read people I have ever known. She loved music and dancing and all children and animals, but she could also never watch a movie where children were hurt. She was First Chair on French Horn in high school and carried a tune with gusto. When I was young she liked to draw and do crafts. She volunteered at my Cub Scout pack when I was young and the Toledo Zoo later in her life. My Mother was a Lady, she had a wonderful and colorful sense of humor and an extremely keen wit but she also liked a dirty joke. She liked to swear, a lot. She had gorgeous dark hair that she died blond for years because that is who she wanted to be. Mom would just as readily show you the scars on her breasts as she would the ladybug tattoo on her hand. She could make her jaw pop. Mom took forever in the bathroom. My Mother cried, loudly and lustily, at every award ceremony I ever attended. She was equally free with a kiss and a hug, she always loved and believed in me and my siblings and told us this, often, and accepted and supported our life choices, even when she did not always agree with them. She was truly a Mommy to Noelle, Sunny, Adam, Brooke, Bret and me. All things good in us were borne from her. I often worry that in many ways we held our Mom back. Mother died at peace with herself and at peace with her family. She was actually quite religious, even though she changed religions several times throughout her life because she was always open to change, especially within herself, but I have no doubt that she is in heaven. Not because she was perfect, but because she would entertain no arguments otherwise. Our Lord is going to think my Mom is the bee's knees and my Mom was the Queen Bee, even if she sometimes corrects his grammar. Even in heaven Mom will forever be real. She might even make First Chair again. God loves a tryer. She would truthfully and humbly thank us for remembering her but she would also gently edit our errors. We are but small beings on the shoulders of giants. You were utterly indestructible. You lived such a colorful and varied and rich life. You were a wonderful daughter and sister, wife and mother. You were so proud of us all and we are so proud of you. You were our Mom and we were your children. I am afraid that, in some small, irrational way, I didn't really believe you would ever die. We will always be together and she will forever be this Wonder Woman: strong and resilient and proud and brave and true. My Mommy: gentle and beautiful and graceful and kind and smart and funny and exciting and hopeful and so young and alive. Maybe not quite here, but also never captured, never fading, never aging, Never Gone. From her daughter, Noelle: Like many before me, I wanted to send my mother off with the world’s best goodbye. I wanted my words to do honor to her in a manner that would hold true throughout the Ages, and be a testament to all of her purity and goodness, and would honor all of the many lessons she taught me throughout the years. And, like many before me, I wanted to convey her essence in a manner which would focus only on her very best qualities. For as it has been said, a person should not speak ill of the dead. But the truth is, my mother was the Queen of contradictions. My mother was the most beautiful, glorious, hot mess of contradictions that I have ever seen. Indeed, her contradictions were an intrinsic part of her very essence, and I would be remiss to omit them now. So here goes; Mom was physically one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, AND she almost never looked good in a photo. Mom was someone who was capable of conveying the most incredibly profound Universal Truths to those around her, AND she knew the names and back stories of every single member of the Kardashian clan. Mom could be the epitome of class, elegance, and grace, AND she was an earthy, lusty woman who did things in her life which would have made a sailor blush (and to those of you judging me right now for including that last bit, just know this; it takes one to know one, and in my particular case, the apple didn’t fall very far from the proverbial tree). Mom was someone who would accept you just as you were, no matter what, no strings attached, AND she was someone who would let you know every single time she didn’t agree with you. Mom was one of the kindest, most generous souls I’ve ever met, AND she was also often insanely petty and self-absorbed. Mom was someone who owned each and every one of her shortcomings unapologetically, AND she was often pretentious beyond the boundaries of reason. Mom was my oldest, and one of my very, very dearest friends, AND we butted heads non stop, for the vast majority of her last decade of life. Mom was someone I loved an insane, illogical, absurd amount, AND she was often the source of my greatest frustration, anger, hurt, and heartbreak. Indeed, the biggest and most difficult forgiveness lessons of my life were ones I learned entirely because of her. But Mom was also insanely brave, and raw and honest, in a way that so few people ever are. And she never one to shy away from what many would consider to be her shortcomings, and I will not do her the dishonor of hiding them now. As I have said, my mother was not scared of contradictions-not in herself, and not in others. In fact, she delighted in them. Because she realized that often, the deepest truths can only be found in the space between two polarizing opposites. And because what often appears to be a glaring contradiction is actually just two halves of the same coin. Mother was not bothered by any form of contradiction. In fact, she did not even worry about contradicting herself, because she was wise enough to realize that as one changes, so too does one’s interpretation of the Truth. And sometimes, if a person is very still, and paying close enough attention, those changes can happen in the blink of an eye. And on December 8, 2020, this happened to me, as I witnessed my mother’s death. In the back of my mind, I think I always knew that her passing was the event of my life that I dreaded the absolute most. We all have fears which are too hideous for us to look upon, and this has always been mine. And yet, when the time came, I could not look away. In true form, my mother was a beautiful, glorious contradiction to the very end. She had spent almost a decade fighting her demise at every turn. But when it came, she embraced it with the totality of her being. She was conscious to the very end, and her joy was effervescent and almost palpable. By the End, her skin and hair had lost their luster, and her eyes had lost their shine. And yet, in those final minutes of her life, she could not possibly have been more beautiful to me. Her passing took but the merest of seconds, and yet, in that moment, Time stood still. In that brief second, the corner of the Veil was lifted, and I remembered Who My Mother Was. And in that space of time, as I witnessed her in all of her grace and ethereal beauty, the very concept of forgiveness was rendered obsolete. For why would anyone ever need to forgive what has always been a perfect form of Love? And it was only in her final moment, when she was too weak to lift so much as a finger, that I finally understood the indomitable strength of her remarkable powers. Because In that solitary second, without so much as a whisper, she imparted to me the most extraordinary knowledge; That this Life is but a Dream, and that we are all what we have always been; a state of perfect Love, unblemished, untarnished, and immaculate in every way. And Time is but an illusion, and Death is of less consequence than the merest hint of mist in the air, one which dissipates in the first light of Dawn. Some experiences in life are entirely beyond words. And yet, if all of you could have witnessed what I did in her passing, none of you would ever look at death (or even life), in quite the same way, ever again. It took watching my hardest Death to date, of the person who has caused me undoubtedly the most heartbreak of any person I have ever known, in what is almost my fiftieth year of being alive, before I ever really understood anything at all about Life. What I witnessed on that day changed me forever. And though my twilight years are fast approaching, I will forever after consider this time to be the Christmas of my life. I hope all of you have someone in your life who loves you as fiercely, ridiculously, and insanely as I love my Mom. I hope all of you find the way to look at your deepest, darkest fears, for it is in the very act of looking that you will find your freedom. I hope that you all have moments in your life that take you completely by surprise, and make you feel reborn. I feel like there is a message in my mother’s death for all of us. And perhaps it is this; Live your contradiction. Live it fully, and deeply, and widely. Take great delight in all of your silly, unique, ridiculous contradictions. Embrace all of your contradictions wholeheartedly. Embrace your contradictions in such a way that others are inspired to embrace their own contradictions too. Speak your Truth. Speak it loudly, and frequently and unapologetically, and with as much gusto as you can. And do not worry if others find a contradiction in your Truth, because as you change, so too will your Truth. And as others change, so too will their interpretation of your Truth. And in all of that time, none of those interpretations will for even one moment be wrong. Become everything you can possibly be. Be absolutely all of it. Be profound, and mundane, and mystical and ordinary, and petty and magnanimous, and beautiful and hideous, and hateful and kind and loving. Be as much of everything as you possibly can, to the fullest extent that you are able, and make no apologies for any of it. For it is only in understanding all of the opposing opposites, that you can finally know your Center again. Live your life. Live it fully, and without fear. Fear nothing- not hatred, not suffering, not sickness, not pain, not even Fear itself. Do not even worry if you are scared of Death. For nothing exists in this universe which can keep you from the Truth. Nothing exists in this universe which can keep you from Love. There is not a single place in the entirety of this universe that exists, where you can become so lost, that you will not eventually find your way back Home. Love as deeply as you can, as often as you can, and in as many forms as you can manage. Love wholeheartedly, unreservedly, madly, passionately, absurdly, ridiculously. Love so deeply that it breaks your heart, over and over again. For it is only in the moments of your deepest Love that you will understand your deepest Truth. And it is only in the moments of your most profound heartbreak that your heart will finally open. It is only in the moments of your purest Love that you will realize that absolutely no moment in Time is wasted, and that absolutely no Life has been lived in vain. And it is only in those moments that you will realize what all the different Masters, of all of all of the different Ages, on all of the different Worlds, have known all along; We are all the Same. We belong to one another. There is only One of us, there has only ever been One of us, and we are all just different sides of the same beautiful, immaculate, perfect coin. The same Divine Light exists in all of us, in equal measure, immaculate and perfect in every way. The same Divine Spark resides in all of us, and there is no force in the History of our Existence which could ever diminish it in any way. And know this; on our final day of Life, in the deepest, darkest hour of the our final Night, right before the Dawn, we will see each other again, in perfect Clarity and with perfect Vision. And in that final moment, we will all Remember Who We Are. And in that very moment, all that went before will be but a Dream, as ephemeral as gossamer. And in that very moment, we will be reborn. And we will embrace one another and dance again, in perfect Unity and Love, unto Infinity, in a World Without End. And, as Rumi himself would say, we will laugh with Joy at what we thought was our Death. Goodbye, my beautiful, sweet, wonderful Mother. Thank you for everything. Thank you for every bit of it, Old Friend. Thank you to all of you reading this ridiculously long obituary too, for sharing in this with me and my family. God bless all of your wonderful, ridiculous, beautiful contradictions. God bless you all, with absolutely no exceptions. From her daughter, Sunny: There are a thousand things I want to say to honor you, but I am afraid I’ll be distracted by all of the shiny stuff, and I’ll fail to convey your most important quality of all. So, I will simply express this: they say “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” but I believe to accept is what is truly divine…to love and accept someone so fully, that forgiveness was never even needed. This is the most important lesson and gift you gave me. You knew my darkest secrets; my deepest sins, and you never judged me for them. You protected me. You helped me. You supported me. You were my true friend when I needed you most, and I will carry that with me for all of my life. More importantly, you shared your “deep, dark truths” with me. You gave me the profound opportunity to love and befriend the real, complete you; the darkness and the light. You didn’t hide your skeletons from me. I believe this kind of rare transparency and acceptance is as close to divine, unconditional love as humanly possible. Thank you for being real with me, and for letting me be unapologetically myself with you. Rest joyfully, Mommy. You are safe in our hearts, and you are truly wanted and cherished. From her son, Adam: How does one go about eulogizing and memorializing someone who meant so much, in just a few short words and sentences? The simple answer is, you can't. Yet, from the time that I was old enough to read and write, you taught me that words have the ability to comfort, to console, and to convey to those who might not know or understand, the importance of an idea, or of a person, whom one has held so dear and in such high esteem as I will forever hold you. To quote someone whom you took such a great interest in at the end of your life, "Once you can express yourself, you can tell the world what you want from it....All the changes in the world, for good or evil, were first brought about by words." You read to me as a little boy, and I read to you in your hospital bed over these past few years. So it seems particularly fitting that my final tribute to you, should come in the form of the written word. Through good times and bad, up's and downs, you taught me not only what it means to be a man, but a human being as well. Your love of life, and your sense of purpose were infectious to all of those fortunate enough to have been around you. If you didn't give me my tenacity (most would use the word stubbornness), then you certainly perfected it. You taught me to consistently stand up for what I thought was right, to constantly question, and that only a sucker takes everything at face value. You taught me to be compassionate when it was time, and to be firm when it was time. You taught me, to quote the last book that I read to you "The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rules, is a person's conscience." In short, you taught me to be a man. Not just in the sense of the Rudyard Kipling poem that you cited to me many times either, but moreover, in how to actively apply it to my life. Most importantly, when I resisted, when I showed you how obstinate and ridiculous I can be, you never stopped. You never gave up on me, even when it would have been the easy thing to do. Even, when I gave up on myself. There is no way to ever thank someone enough for those gifts. There is no measure of gratitude that can ever accurately express just how I feel towards you for being who you were. I can never possibly thank you enough for the childhood that you gave me, or the adulthood that you tried so hard to prepare me for, and helped guide me through. You provided me with a shining example of who I want to be in life, even while always imploring me to be my own person. For all of those things, and so many more, I thank you. For all of those things, and so many more, I am eternally grateful. In closing, I'm glad you are free. While I am sad for myself and the rest of the family, I am happy that you are no longer in pain. I earnestly hope that someday we will meet again. That someday, we can sit at the table, animals at our feet, drinking coffee and talking about life until the wee hours of the morning, as we have done so many times before. I hope that this small passage has done something to show how much I care about you. I love you Mom. I respect you. And I will always miss you. Thank you for being you. Serena is survived by her husband of 34 years, Dale Barnard, her beloved cousin “sister” Sandy Wahl Piecuch, and many wonderful friends and H.A.G.s. She will live on forever through her children, Bret Barnard, Brooke Newman, Aaron (Jennifer) Lages, Noelle (Andrew) Trumbull, Sommer “Sunny” (Gregory) Heidlebaugh, Adam (Kristen) Barnard, (honorary) Durand Carroll, and her beloved grandchildren Autumn and Landon Newman, Benjamin and Zachary Lages, Kiera Trumbull, Hayden, Saylore, Gabriel, and Lucy Heidlebaugh. Our mother was preceded in death by her first husband, Al Lages, her brothers Max McElroy and Ralph Hottman, her dear cousin Manley “Sonny” Niner and aunt Elsie Niner, her parents Edward and Lydia Kessel, her lifelong friend Barbara Trehan, and the canine love-of-her-life, Shiloh. It is going to be one heck of a reunion for Mom in the Afterlife. No doubt she is wearing a great pair of heels for the occasion, and looking like a million bucks. At Serena’s request, there will be no service or memorial. Mom was modest like that.